Starting Over

Fantastic news from the doctor yesterday. 

My kidneys are functioning the best they have since March.  Most of my blood test results were written in happy, black ink, not bad, red ink.  




The doctor said that at the 18 month mark, we're going to try taking me off my medication.  

ALL of my medication. 

Even the stuff that was supposed to be permanent. 

Do you know what this means?

If it works, I will be able to have children after all. 

Best doctor's appointment ever.
Well, yesterday certainly was interesting.  Hello, emo Jenn!  Yeesh.  Sorry about that, guys. 

Anyway, today I have my doctor's appointment.  My dad and I are going to go for lunch at Perkins first, so that's exciting.  I do love Perkins. 

Hopefully this appointment will be quick and relatively painless. I hate the damn blood pressure cuff, but it's over quickly enough. 

Shall I make some med-changing predictions?  I think they're going to increase my Ramipril to 15mg/day, I think they might decrease my Prednisone to 5mg/day if I'm lucky, and I think they'll let me keep my Furosemide at 60mg/day. CellCept they'll obviously leave alone.  

Will update when I get home!
More and more frequently I'm finding myself irritable. 

I want to scream and cry and break things. I want to lash out at anyone who talks to me.  I want to control every aspect of my life, and if I can't then I become upset. 

I feel so angry. 

Nobody I've talked to understands.  My mother listens to what I say then goes on to tell me stories about her own life.  That's not what I need.  My dad has enough to worry about. My doctor tells me about all the other people who have it much worse than I do. My friends don't want to be around me anymore, and I don't really want to be around them either. 

I can't stop thinking about where my life would be if all this hadn't happened. 

I can't stop thinking about what a waste of oxygen I am right  now. 

I don't feel excited or happy about any of my options regarding future plans. 

I don't know what I want, besides for this to have all been a long, terrible dream. 
Well hello again, folks.

It has been a while, hasn't it?


Anyway, on January 9th I "celebrated" my one-year anniversary of my sudden decline in health. Yay, hooray, woohoo, etc. Party it up. 

As you may or may not be able to tell, I am somewhat depressed/upset/irritable, and I blame it entirely on the last year of my life being utterly useless. 

On December tenth I celebrated my 20th birthday, and by celebrated I mean "did the same thing I do every day".  

I've been spending a lot of time on Stickam with people from Solia lately, and I've met some wonderful friends.  Too bad people in the "real world" tend to frown on having internet friends. Some people are also creeped out because a couple of the people I talk to are significantly younger than me.  Just because these people are young, does not mean that they cannot have informed opinions or be good friends.  And these "children" have been better friends to me over the past few months than anybody I know in real life. 
These people appreciate me for who I am, let me talk about the things that worry me, and make me smile on days when all I want to do is cry.
My friends from Stickam have truly kept me sane lately, and I am eternally grateful for their open and accepting hearts, and for their love. I feel like I could possibly be a real person again, and that means a lot to me. 

I never used to think that I was a particularly social person, but I have come to realize that without my friends or someone to love, I am restless and uneasy, and my feelings of inadequacy are amplified. 

So thank you, my friends, for making my life worth living.