Starting Over

Every once in a while I have to remind myself that I'm never going to be the same as I was before the vasculitis.

I keep catching myself thinking things like, "As soon as my feet aren't swollen, I will start exercising again"  "Once I can breathe properly, I can start going out again"  "Once I lose all this water weight I can wear real clothes and socialize like I used to"

It's difficult to remember that these things are probably not going to go away.  Waiting for my body to sort itself out is silly, because my body isn't going to sort itself out. 

I find myself getting frustrated with people who ask me if I'm feeling better or if I'm still sick.  But how can I possibly blame them, when I consistently forget, myself? 

It's a difficult concept to wrap my mind around - I'm never going to be better.  I will always be sick.  I will always have limitations on what I can do, on what my body can handle.  I just have to find a way to work around these limitations - or through them. 

I refuse to become like my mother.  I will not hide from the world for so long, like she has.

It's going to be very hard.  It's humiliating to go out in public like this - grotesquely huge, bright red stretch marks everywhere, skin and hair in horrible shape... and I pant and wheeze after walking only a short distance. All of this is because of either the disease or the medication, but who is going to believe me? All they see is an ugly, obese young woman who is panting like she hasn't moved in months.

I should get a t-shirt or something made up.  "THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT". Ha.

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